My problem with control

My inability to rest is a profound spiritual crisis. My obsession with being “busy” is mostly driven by desperation to validate my existence — to prove that I am worth loving. Beneath this obsession lies a haunting belief: "It all depends on me!" My struggle to rest is a direct reflection of my struggle to trust in God. Let me explain:      

I’m addicted to control — to trying to protect myself by micromanaging outcomes. I’m like an actor on a stage, desperately trying to be the director. "If I work harder, my kids will thrive." "If I push more, my career will flourish." "If I know enough, people will finally accept me."

Am I not delusional? Believing that somehow I can extract security and happiness from this world by effort and force of will. My restlessness isn't productivity; it's panic disguised as purpose. I can't slow down because slowing means surrendering control, and surrendering control terrifies me.

What’s the alternative?

A new perspective

First, I have to stop pretending I’m God. It doesn’t work. God is the director of life’s drama, not me. And honestly, I don’t want that job! He is my Father and I’m his beloved child.

When I sincerely embrace this perspective, rest naturally follows. I have a new boss now — one who is all powerful, and who provides for all my needs. But he’s not just a boss, he’s my father — my papa! His faithful love endures forever!

From vantage point everything looks different! I can say to my loving father, “I love you too! Do with me what you will, I trust you. Relieve me of my bondage to myself and my need to control everything.”

Of course, this surrender is much easier to do with help — a pastor, friend, or spiritual director. And the wording matters less than your heart’s openness. It’s an act of will, an act of faith, to drop the walls of resistance around my heart.

On this note I would highly encourage you to attend my upcoming free virtual workshops on How to Rest in Christ. Each workshop is only 30 minutes long and will offer personal practical help!

A practical application

I invite you to release your grip on control, to drop your resistance, and to trust in God’s loving care. Don’t hurry on past this part!

Step 1: Pause and Reflect

Stop for a moment and identify the fear or concern driving your hurry. Try to put words to it. For example, “I feel afraid that if I pause too long then...” or “I don’t feel that I can slow down because…”

Step 2: Body Awareness

Locate where this fear resides in your body. Is it a tightness in your chest? A restlessness in your legs? A tension in your shoulders? Simply observe without judgment. You can even welcome it a little bit, it’s not your enemy, it’s part of you that’s been trying to get your attention for a while now.

Step 3: Breathe and Release

Inhale deeply into the area where you feel the tension. As you exhale, consciously release your fear and need for control. Visualize handing these burdens over to Jesus. If it resonates, pray: "Thank you, Lord, for loving me (or those I'm concerned about). I entrust myself and my loved ones to you. I love you too."

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. We’re here to walk with you!