I thought I was the Ideal Dad

2019 broke me. It wasn’t covid. It was when my father-ego cracked, and it shook me to my core. Without realizing it, I had tied my worth to being the Ideal Dad. 

In my mind, the Ideal Dad can always provide for his family, always has good advice, and never makes mistakes that hurt his family. The Ideal Dad has a great relationship with his kids. They treasure his wisdom, respect him, and tell all their friends how great he is.

Being the Ideal Dad was like the sun in the solar system of my identity. Whatever else was true about me, those things orbited this central truth: that I was the Ideal Dad. 

As long as the sun in my solar system was stable, I was stable. 

Well, as it turns out, I’m not the Ideal Dad.

So my sense of self fell apart. If I’m not the Ideal Dad, who am I? What am I worth? 

The Solar System of Identity

I find this solar system analogy really helpful. There are a lot of things that make up my identity. I’m 47-years-old, grew up in Colorado, love philosophy, am a techy, etc. But these are small planets on the periphery of my solar system.

The really important things are close to the center. These things have “gravity.” I’m a Lutheran Christian, I value compassion and authenticity and hard work. And I’m a good father.

In fact, I had placed so much importance on being a good father that I had made it the sun of my solar system. It had become the center of my sense of worth. Everything else in my identity was held together by its gravity.

But it didn’t have enough mass to keep everything in order. When my confidence that I was the Ideal Dad fell apart, so did the rest of my identity — my sense of significance and worth. 

The “Obvious” Solution (Which I Missed For Years!)

There is only one thing stable enough, with enough gravity, to be at the center of my solar system: God’s word about me. 

Here’s what I mean. Jesus made it clear that he thinks I’m worth dying for. He made it clear how he feels about me: he would rather that he suffer hell than let me suffer it. This is Jesus’ — God’s —final word about me: “I love you; I forgive you; I have called you by name to be my own beloved son.”

God’s word about me is definite, certain. It has the same weight as his words that created the universe:

“LET THERE BE LIGHT!” (and there was!) has the same gravity as “YOU ARE MY BELOVED SON!” (and so I am!)

God’s first word made the universe out of nothing. God’s word of forgiveness and adoption makes a coheir with Christ out of a rebel and a sinner.

So now, at the very center of my identity, is this truth: “I am a beloved son of God, headed for a glorious resurrection!” 

That has enough stability to hold me together. I know whose and what I am, even when I fail to be the Ideal Dad. It means I don’t have to be the Ideal Dad, I can be a Real Dad. Fallen but forgiven. Imperfect but free from the fear that my sins and imperfections are going to destroy me. 

I can look at my imperfections and failures without fear. They don’t define me. They don’t damn me. I can repent and pursue growth as a way of living out of my identity, not as a way of securing it. Jesus has already done that.

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