For as long as I can remember, shame has practically been my middle name since the day I was born.

Shame is a creature, a little green gremlin and companion upon my shoulder, ever taunting and teasing me. He constantly tells me that I need to hide or even erase parts of myself that, he says, aren’t acceptable.

See, ever since I was young, I knew what it meant to feel things deeply. Really deeply. Tears come easily for me. Grief and sorrow have been my frequent “companions.”

But his voice jeers, “You feel things too deeply! You should hide those tears! You’re too much!” But the older I get, the more I realize that maybe, the things that this green gremlin jeers about are the very things that God wants to use. That maybe, just maybe, I can be who I am, as I am, for God to use.

Maybe that’s been the whole point.

I sat across from my therapist recently. A lifetime of built-up tears, fears, and questions boiled down to this one moment as I mustered up the courage to blubber, “What do you think is actually wrong with me? Why am I like this?” My shame gremlin has made me feel that my sensitivity to sadness just gets in the way of my day, time, and relationships.

But then she asked a question that changed my entire perspective: “What if, when you feel things so deeply, you view it as an extension of God’s heart and character?”

I felt my heart soften, my eyes brighten with courage.

Could that be true? If it was, that would change everything:

My therapist continued, “It sounds like you have a gift that mirrors His aching heart for the world, and this helps you get in touch with the groans of this world.”

God hurts deeply for the suffering and sorrows of a broken world.

When I hurt deeply, and often, He hurts and longs for restoration and healing. When I moan and grieve, He moans and grieves, as the “man of sorrows.” He wasn’t ashamed to cry, or to weep. Jesus didn’t think it was “out of place” or “too much!”

And that means I can feel sorrow too! My “sensitivity” is a gift — an “extension of God’s heart.” I can embrace my feelings, my tears, just as Jesus did, grieving and groaning!

I don’t have to hide, or even erase. All I am called to do is simply “embrace.”

Take that, shame gremlin. 😊

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