It’s Dec 12th. Time is tight. Money is crazy tight (why does it ALWAYS feel tightest this time of year??). I have three teens at home and two college-aged coming home for break. I know there’s going to be tension. Maybe an explosion. My chest feels tight. Everything feels impossible. No matter how much I do, it could all still fall apart. It could all still blow up. And I’m trying SO hard to do enough, to BE enough! 

It all feels so big, and I feel trapped. I kind of want to cry my eyes out in bed, willing it to all go perfectly without me having to do EVERYTHING. I just want everyone to be happy! This is very honestly how I feel today. If you do too, you’re not crazy.

You’re not crazy, and I’ll tell you why. You want good things for your kids, but no matter how hard you work, it’s not enough to make them perfectly happy — with each other, or with you. But not even GOD coerces human hearts to feel happy. Even GOD doesn’t work as hard as he can to make sure no one has bad feelings! In fact, instead of sweeping in with mighty signs and forcing change, God usually works through tiny moments to bring light and hope. But brief moments with the eternal God of the Universe are powerful! His grace strikes like lightning — a brief but nearly blindingly powerful encounter with his divine life. And it strikes into my deepest, most overwhelmed heart. 

Some of these moments are “religious”: one truth from Scripture. A bit of bread and wine. A splash of baptismal water. The words, “I forgive you.” But many moments of divine lightning hit me unexpectedly. The moment I see my 20-year-old baby at the airport stumbling home wearily after finals and expecting to be loved strikes right through my heart. Trust. A hug between siblings against whom the world was betting hard. Forgiveness. The brightness of Christmas lights as we drive around the neighborhood. Delight. Brief and powerful, like lightning.

That’s what I can do, just a little. I can offer cookies, a Christmas tree, a patient listening ear. I can ask “how is school?”. Acceptance. I can let go. Peace. These tiny moments are charged with the love of God. Even flawed and done badly, they can split the darkness in my kids’ hearts as they split the dark in mine.

No guarantee of good feelings. The explosion might still come. But there is no big action I can take that will force happiness on everyone around me. Just like no big gesture can force me. If I’m sad and scared, I’m sad and scared. If my kids are tired and their fuses are short, so be it. The light still comes with power.

I’ll be aware of the bolts that cut deep into my heart with the light of grace, and I’ll trust that my small moments of extending incarnate grace blaze the light of Christ. I’ll make the cookies and light the candles. He can take care of my kids.

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Here is an instrumental of this hymn’s tune to play while you meditate on these unbelievable words, especially verse two.

Want more like this? Search for “Paul Gerhardt”.

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1 O Lord, how shall I meet You,

how welcome You aright?

Your people long to greet You,

my Hope, my heart’s Delight!

O, kindle, Lord most holy,

Your lamp within my breast

to do in spirit lowly

all that may please You best.

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2 Love caused Your incarnation;

love brought You down to me.

Your thirst for my salvation

procured my liberty.

O, love beyond all telling,

that led You to embrace

in love, all love excelling,

our lost and fallen race.

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3 Rejoice, then, you sad-hearted,

who sit in deepest gloom,

who mourn your joys departed

and tremble at your doom.

Despair not; He is near you,

there, standing at the door,

who best can help and cheer you

and bids you weep no more.

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4 Sin's debt, that fearful burden,

let not your soul distress;

your guilt the Lord will pardon

and cover by His grace.

He comes, for all procuring

the peace of sin forgiv'n,

for all God's ones securing

their heritage in heav'n.

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5 He comes to judge the nations,

a terror to His foes,

a light of consolations

and blessed hope to those

who love the Lord's appearing.

O glorious Sun, now come,

send forth Your beams most cheering

and guide us safely home.

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