You know the feeling. You're sitting at the Thanksgiving table, the turkey's getting cold, and Uncle Carl just said that thing about politics... or religion... or your life choices. Your jaw tightens. Your stomach knots. Everyone around you catches their breath. Do you engage? Do you ignore him? Do you pretend to have a sudden and urgent need to visit the bathroom?

Okay, just to be clear, we’re not talking about any real “Carl’s” here. That’s just a catchy name. But that aside, we’ve all had the experience right? What gives? 

Well, some years ago, I literally wrote a book about “how to dance instead of fight in everyday conversations.” It’s a compact little guide designed to help anyone learn how to drop their defensiveness and engage with curiosity in any conversation. 

It’s easier said than done, of course! It’s totally natural to get defensive when we feel attacked. And it’s totally normal to sometimes feel attacked even when we aren’t actually being attacked! I frequently confuse my ideas with my identity. Do you?

Especially when a hot topic comes up at the table, one I feel passionate about. I almost automatically feel defensive. I put up my verbal dukes and start sparing! 

So what’s the alternative? Well it starts with the gospel! My identity is already secure in what Jesus says about me. And he says I’m worth dying for. He says I’m his beloved son!

So here’s my first tip: when you sit down at the dinner table this Thanksgiving say a short little prayer: “Jesus, I know you love me. I know I’m yours forever! You’ve forgiven my sins, and you care about me and everyone else at this table. I will rest in that!” 

Then I invite you to think about conversation differently. The word “conversation” means “to turn around together.” You know, like what you do when dancing! See my book for a much fuller exploration of this, but here’s the key takeaway… you might want to write this down on a sticky note… 

When you argue to win, you lose every time!  

See the point of a true argument, a true conversation, is to work together toward a deeper understanding of the topic, and especially of each other! Conversation should be a dance! When I treat conversation as a battle, I lose the relationship!

The real goal of the Thanksgiving table is connection. Relationship. Love. Between God’s beloveds!

I know that’s hard when “Carl” does his thing (or when I do my thing!) But here’s one quick tip to help out this Thanksgiving: try taking a deep breath, setting aside your need to protect your identity, and engage your curiosity. 

Remember our prayer. Remember whose you are! Jesus’!

But for now, here’s two magic questions you can ask: 

• What do you mean by that? 
• Why do you ask/say that? 

Seriously, when I ask these questions with genuine curiosity they are magical. First, they communicate that I care! About Carl! And that I want to know what he thinks, that I think he’s worth listening to and paying attention to. That goes a long way towards defusing the situation. It’s like saying “Hey Uncle, I love you, you matter to me!” (Because remember, Carl is also feeling defensive for his own value and significance!) 

Second, these questions lead you deeper into a dance. They invite the other person to collaborate with you. And if you can keep your cool and keep being curious, you might be really surprised at what you learn about whatever idea just got raised… and at what you might learn about “Carl!” 

So, look, I don’t want to make this sound all easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy, I know it’s not! But at the very least, I hope this can give you a slightly different perspective on those upcoming Thanksgiving conversations!

Oh, and my book might be a great Black Friday gift for yourself! Check it out!