Everything is a small thing
I am afraid of not being enough. I am afraid of being small. I come by it honestly, and probably you do too. Just listen to what we hear all the time:
“Over such a LITTLE thing!” - something small shouldn’t matter.
“It was nothing but minutae” - small is irritating and irrelevant.
“I just want to do something BIG!” - small is not important.
And the worst, I think, “Grow up!” - small is not enough.
I have been ruthless toward myself in my fear that I am not doing enough. I have believed that if I didn’t carry the world, no one would. I think I have wanted to be omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient. I’d love to “make my mark” by changing history, or fixing someone’s entire life. Only the biggest is enough for me. It doesn’t count until I’m absolutely certain it’s better than anyone else’s. Maybe I don’t count unless I’m “Liv the Great”. Oh dear.
Mercifully, faithful friends have reminded me that I am not God. I am only human. Isn’t it all the more astounding that even Jesus, who IS God, does big things with little things? Where I don’t want to be bothered with details, he looks in each pair of eyes and speaks one loving thing. And one by one, the shepherd’s lambs have a reason to trust him. That’s a big thing. Every big thing is a small thing.