The short answer

The short answer is, “Yes, partly.” I don’t mean to come out of the gate swinging, but I tell every new or would-be father the hard reality that your sin is going to mess your kids up. 

Please don’t stop reading! There is good news coming! But first, the bad news: 

Kids learn by imitation. So they pick up your bad habits. If you resist church or the practices of the faith like prayer, your kids will resist these things too. Your actions and attitudes (even if you think you are hiding them – you aren’t!) teach your kids that God, church, prayer etc. are no good.

It’s worse if you then force them to go to church or engage in the practices of the faith. Because that gives them mixed signals. You are saying, “Do what I say, not what I do.” That’s a recipe for confusion and shame. 

I see this all the time from the other side. In my work as a  spiritual director I meet lots of people whose fathers gave them the explicit message that they have to go to church and love God, and at the same time, the implicit message that God’s not worth loving and church is kinda pointless. They carry a ton of shame because they feel they should love God and church, but don’t, and that makes them feel like something is deeply wrong with them.

It’s fairly easy to trace some of this shame back to their experience of God through their own dads. 

Every father is a God-image for their children. It’s well known now that our early attachment patterns to our father have a significant impact on our adult attachment patterns to God. Think of it this way, when your kids think of “God,” their emotions toward God are heavily influenced by their relationship with you. They will implicitly map your character onto God’s.

So, what kind of God have you been modeling to your kids?

What kind of God did your dad model for you? 

A moment of compassion

Ugh. Look, I know this might be a gut punch. I’m a sinful dad just like you. The idea that my kids implicitly think of me when they think of God is terrifying! And I’m at the stage where most of my kids are adults. The damage is done. 

So, I want to extend a little compassion to you. I’m not excusing the ways you and I have failed as fathers. I’m just saying, I get it. I’ve been there, done that. You aren’t a uniquely bad father! 

All of us are wounded and broken people from birth. My own relationship with God is complicated. I’ve resisted God, sinned, and been a down right selfish father. 

So have you (or so you will be). 

Please understand, I’m not giving us license to be abusive dads. I’m not even giving us license to be mediocre dads. God has given us the great responsibility to be his representatives to our kids. Any misrepresentation, however minor, is bad. 

But no one can escape their own sin! You aren’t God. There is no secret technique to being the perfect dad. 

In fact, the more you tie your worth to your performance as a father, the worse you’ll be as a father!

The good news

You are forgiven! God refuses to hold your sins against you, or against your kids. And he promises to work his good will even through your sin.  It’s not a transaction, either. It’s not like God can’t work his good will unless you try enough, or repent enough. 

Here's the point, being a good representative of God requires that you know who God really is as he is revealed in Scripture: a forgiving father (prodigal son), a loving shepherd (leaves the 99), and a friend who would give his life for yours.

In other words, you don’t have to worry about being a good father, only about having a good Father.

And this is true even if your kids are long gone from the home, or even the faith. The most powerful thing you can do for your children is be a good confesser. Someone who can own their mistakes and not be owned by them, because they have been forgiven and redeemed by Jesus Christ.

It's easier said than done, I know. None of us can do it alone! So reach out to me if you have no one else. That's why we’re here!

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