What do you do when hope feels cruel?
I was fighting a losing battle as grief curled icy fingers around my heart.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
~ Proverbs 13:12
“Lord, I don’t get it!” I blurted out as I swiped viciously at the tears rolling down my cheeks. I blinked furiously to clear my vision as I turned onto a side street on my way home and continued my rant: “You’ve said that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick,’ and my heart feels sick right now. I don’t want to become bitter, but how many times are you going to do this to me?!”
Yet another door had slammed shut in my face, and I had reached my breaking point. Why would God do this to me? Hadn’t he brought this opportunity along in the first place? Everything seemed to be falling into place so perfectly…surely that had to have been his work!
Billowing clouds of confusion and anger hovered in my mind. Had I heard God wrong? Was he punishing me for something I had done wrong? I knew logically this wasn’t true, but I felt like I was fighting a losing battle as the Grief of Dreams Yet Unrealized curled icy fingers of depression around my heart.
Thank God The Story Doesn’t End There!
Over the next several weeks, I kept ranting to God, and processing with trusted friends. As I did, something unexpected happened. God invited me to rest. Like Elijah of the Old Testament, the Lord cared for my physical and mental needs, and kept inviting me to come near with all of my emotions.
Douglas McKelvey’s “Liturgy for the Death of A Dream” spoke to me deeply during this time, especially this stanza,
“[Christ’s] bigger purpose has always been for my greatest good, that I would day-to-day be fashioned into a more fit vessel for the indwelling of [his] Spirit…it is only false hopes that are brittle, shattering like shells of thin glass, to reveal the diamond hardness of the unshakeable eternal hopes within…let me…[invest] all hope in the one hope that will never come undone or betray those who place their trust in it.”
One day, as I continued to share my grief with God, he simply asked, “Ashley, am I still good? Even if these doors never open again, am I still good?”
The question stunned me. It wasn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear. I wanted an explanation! But I accepted at that moment, that yes, God was still good, not because he answered my questions to my satisfaction, but because he already answered the most important question of all, the question of how to deal with my brokenness and sin! Jesus’ sacrifice on my behalf allowed me to experience the comfort of God as I felt like everything in my world was falling apart. It allowed me to come boldly to my Heavenly Father, cry on his shoulder, and let him hold me.
The truth is, I may never fully understand what he did through that process. It’s been several years, and I certainly haven’t had all of my questions answered yet. But I don’t think that was the point. I believe that, in my wrestling with and ranting to God, a deeper, sturdier faith was being forged; a faith that helped me to see that what I thought was the end, was not really the end. It was an opportunity for me to give my dreams back to the one who had given them to me in the first place. I had been holding my visions for the future so tightly, that when things started going a different direction, I thought it was all over. As I turned my eyes away from everything else, and back onto Jesus, my vision cleared.
Perhaps you can see parts of your own story in mine, [[first_name]]? Maybe this is your reality right now?
If so, I’d like to invite you to lean into Jesus, and let him hold you. He’s not afraid of your emotions or your questions. Turn your eyes to him, and allow him to comfort you with his goodness in the midst of your grief. Because, honestly? He put that hope in your heart to begin with. He created those dreams with you in mind, but he will also redirect you when you get off on a tangent that you weren’t meant for. His goal is not to be capricious; to give you something lovely and then snatch it away again. It grieves him to see you in pain.
He loves you. Rest in his character; he is good, and can be trusted with all the hopes and dreams you hold in your heart.
How Do You Imagine Jesus’ Voice?
Reading the Gospels with Your Imagination
A Zoom Workshop taught by Liv and Brandon Booth
Sat, March 21, 11 AM - 12:30 PM Mountain Time
$35 or Pay-What-You-Want
How do you imagine Jesus’s voice when you read the Gospels? Is it low or high, raspy or shrill?
What does it feel like to step into the stories with him? What expression does his face show when he teaches his disciples, or rebukes the Pharisees?
Hey friend, it’s Ashley, and if you’re like me, you probably use your imagination to some degree when you read the Gospel.
But even though I can picture the scene and almost feel the Middle Eastern sun beating down on my face and arms, I still sometimes read the stories in a very flattened sort of way. I read through the passage, and think to myself, “Ok, what’s the lesson for me here?” instead of allowing myself to look at Jesus.
And then I wonder why reading the Bible feels like a chore.
That’s why I’m so excited to invite you to our upcoming webinar, “Reading the Gospels with Your Imagination.”
It will be an hour and a half of practicing using our imaginations to connect with Jesus, and encountering him in a new way through the stories of the Gospels. I hope you’ll join us!
This workshop will be hosted by Brandon and Liv on Saturday, March 21 | 11:00–12:30 PM Mountain Time | Located on Zoom
P.S. If you miss the workshop, a private recording will be available to registered participants for a limited time.
Provisions for the Road
Provision for the Road
WHY IS IT SO DANG HARD TO TRUST GOD? I know I should trust him, but more often than not I don’t and hang on to my fear, my anger, my sin. What’s going on here? Check out this episode from the podcast to learn more!
Food for Thought
Things the team found interesting this week, no endorsment implied.
A Liturgy Before Doomscrolling
McKelvey (of the Every Moment Holy series) offers a new liturgical prayer for the moment before you pick up your phone to scroll. The prayer is honest about the pull of algorithms ("these feeds feed my worst tendencies") while turning the heart toward Christ's presence, contentment, and purpose. (“I would rather learn the slow discipline of contentment in you, O Christ—to practice your presence moment by moment;”)
Curb Your Enthusiast
Persson argues there is peculiar exhaustion spreading through modern Christianity from trying to keep a spiritual fire burning that never seems hot enough. (“For some, the Christian life becomes an unending pursuit of the next breakthrough, the next surge of intensity, the next moment of the felt presence of God… high emotion is not proof of spiritual health.“) It’s not an argument against experience or joy, it’s an argument for a “joy that is sustained beyond Sunday and that survives the Monday afternoon blues.”
Christianity isn't just in decline — it's become obsolete, says sociologist | Broadview Magazine
An interview with Christian Smith about his new book Why Religion Went Obsolete. He argues that traditional religion in America hasn't simply lost numbers, it has lost cultural resonance. Most critically, Smith argues that churches hollowed out their own relevance by packaging faith as "nice" and "positive," abandoning the very resources for grappling with suffering and darkness that younger generations desperately need.
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